Things You Will Do On Your First Day of Work After Maternity Leave
1.You will grab your lunch from the fridge, because you prepared it the night before. It will be delicious and well-balanced. It will hit every major food group. There will be a microwavable component. It will involve no less than three tupperware containers in varying sizes. It is the only lunch of this kind you will ever eat.
2. You will spend a long (too long) amount of time planning out your child’s outfit. He will, for the first time in his 11-month long life, be wearing matching socks.
3. You will wear a black blazer. It will be a black blazer you have scarcely worn before. It will make you feel very professional. You believe it will announce to all your colleagues that you are now very serious because you have a black blazer. If they have any questions, they should just ask the blazer. The blazer is in charge.
4. You will be early, so early, to drop your child off at daycare. You will smile too much at his caretakers to mask your intense panic and distress at the insane speed in which time passes. You will go to your car, and have a tiny cry.
5. You will get to work on time.
6. You will notice a run in your nylons. There will always be a run in your nylons.
7. You will walk right passed the coffee kiosk on the wall to your office. You will not buy a muffin because of your delicious, well-balanced lunch. You will notice, though, that they added new flavours since you’ve been gone. You will try to banish the words “Chocolate Raspberry” from your mind.
8. You will joke with all your colleagues about how your daycare has a webcam and WOULDN’T IT BE SO SILLY TO WATCH YOUR KID ON A WEBCAM ALL DAY WHO WOULD DO THAT NOT ME OBVIOUSLY.
9. You will try to login to the webcam.
10. You will unsuccessfully try login to the webcam.
11. You will demand that your husband, who has successfully logged into the webcam, text you screen shots of your child on the webcam.
12. You will do some work.
13. You will, at long last, log into the webcam.
14. You will see that your kiddo is smiling. You will smile, too.
15. You will log off the webcam.
16. You will do some more work.
17. You will reward yourself for all your hard work with a raspberry chocolate muffin.
18. You will do some more work.
19. You will pick up your child from daycare.
20. You will give him all the hugs. There is now a nation-wide hug shortage because of all the hugs that were given.
21. You will go home.
22. You will throw your nylons in the trash.
23. You will realize that you did it. That he did it. That we did it. And we’ll all be OK.